I’ve got a lot of irons in the fire.
And I’m a master of procrastination and escapism.
This makes for being a terrible person and a horrific writer.
I haven’t written on this blog since May. There is no plan, rhyme or reason for this post, but I do need to write something. A lot has changed and a lot is the same. Losing love, or whatever it was, really took a lot of wind out of my sails.
She and I don’t even really talk anymore.
Any substitute is just a form of avoidance or feeble attempts at getting that unsubstantial high.
Therapy has been helping. Delving into the person I am. Delving into the ecosystem of my personal life. The actions or habits I have that may be detrimental to myself and my relationships, now and in the future. I’ve been working on communication with my spouse. Finding out where her head is at. Working on where I am going; where we should be going. We actually have been getting along swimmingly this summer. Vacations, managing our little family and household. We even went on a date. I feel like we’re making progress and learning to communicate.
I just don’t know if she’s my person.
Are we so different now that it’ll be better to fundamentally change our relationship? Is there something better and more nurturing for all of us? That is the journey I’m still on this year.
I working to not have two lives, one where I escape the uncomfortable realities of my real life. The other of course is real life.
Also I am working on creating a healthier ecosystem of support in my life – my home life, work life and friend life. I need a strong work environment to support my mentally so I’m working on getting out of the house and into a studio environment where ideas can be exchanges, new opportunities discovered and generally be around creatives. I’m an introvert but I can’t create alone. And I depend on my creativity to pay my bills.
Oh, there are so many bills.
Being depressed kills me (figuratively). I turn to doing nothing but looking for a quick fix from anything that will make me feel anything. I don’t write. I don’t work. I don’t love or live.
But I can’t do that. I’ve got bills to pay. And a life to lead.
Depression, stress and anxiety aren’t going anywhere. I need to cope better. I need to rely on others while simultaneously relying on myself. I need to write, work and spend time enjoying life.
But right now I need a cup of coffee.